I Can't Break It To My Heart
by uncorazonquebrado
Summary: Song fic! Set after 2x13. Blair's reaction to Chuck leaving in the middle of the night.


_A/N _

_My first song fic! the song is Delta Goodrem - "I can't break it to my heart". I heard it for the first time today and this story popped up in my head_

_I highly recommend that you listen to the song if you haven't heard it. It's amazing! _

_This is not beta'd, sorry for any grammatical errors and such._

_Disclaimer: I own nothing!_

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She had known he was gone even before she opened her eyes. She could feel it, that empty void next to her that matched the one in her heart. She battled herself for a second; parts of her not wanting to open her eyes and rule out any doubt. Her heart begged her mind to keep her eyes closed. When she finally did open her eyes and saw the note lying on the pillow next to her, her heart dropped and tears began to fill her eyes. She read his note, and then broke out sobbing. She buried her face in the pillow and could still smell him on her expensive silk sheets. As she closed her eyes again, she told herself repeatedly that there was nothing wrong. That nothing had happened. That she would wake up the next morning and everything would be back to normal.

_If it's okay_

_I'll leave the bed light on_

_And place your water glass where it belongs_

_And if it's alright_

_I'll lie awake at night_

_Pretending I am curled up at your side_

She kept telling herself that he wasn't really gone. That he was coming back any day. Reminded herself of all those other times when he had taken a last minute vacation. Almost came close to smiling as she thought about that trip he took to Monaco, and how he tormented her with texts the entire time he was away. She told herself over and over again that he was coming back, that they belonged together. He had to come back. If they didn't belong together- then who did she belong with?

_See I'm circling in these patterns_

_Living out of memories_

_I'm still a long way from accepting it_

_That there's just no you and me_

'The reason we can't say those three words to each other, isn't because they aren't true.' His words echoed in her mind as well as in her heart. He must have meant what he said, or he was a better actor than she ever gave him credit for. He couldn't have lied, could he? No - no way – they are Chuck and Blair. Blair and Chuck. She told him that she loved him and she meant it with all her heart.

_But if I still believe you love me_

_Maybe I'll survive_

_So I tell myself you're coming home_

_Like you've done a million times_

_And if it's alright_

_I'll still be loving you_

_'cause I can't break it to my heart_

'Well that's too bad' He hadn't meant those words, right? Or did she misinterpret all he said before, all those looks and all those moments that made her believe that they are meant to be together? She tried to keep the thoughts out, but sometimes she couldn't keep from wondering. Wondering if she did something wrong, said something wrong (she knows very well what that might be), looked the wrong way? Too dull, too fat, too inexperienced? Could it be that he never really cared?

_Is it just me?_

_Did I commit a crime?_

_I won't believe that loving you_

_Is just a waste of time_

_Or was it in my head?_

_I'm reading into things you've never said_

'Chuck and Blair going to the movies? Chuck and Blair holding hands?' They had agreed they couldn't be together. But when did he decide that she wouldn't get to be there for him? Wouldn't get to fix him? Maybe she did do something wrong? After a while she found the thought almost calming – if she had indeed done something wrong - she could change. She would change for him. She would become whatever he wanted her to be. If he just came home and told her what to do, who to be.

_'cause I still don't have the answers_

_To why we couldn't work it out_

_I wanna think it's something that I did_

_So I can turn it back around_

He will come home. It became a mantra, a song echoing in her head all night and all day. When she couldn't hear the words clearly enough she spoke them out loud. Whispered them out into the darkness of her bedroom, whispered them into the mirror of her vanity. He will come home. I love him. He _has_ to come home.

_But if I still believe you love me_

_Maybe I'll survive_

_So I tell myself you're coming home_

_Like you've done a million times_

_And if it's alright_

_I'll still be loving you_

_'cause I can't break it to my heart_

She kept telling herself that he would return and that they would be perfect – that they belonged together. The Queen and the Devil of the Upper East Side. But when the days turned to weeks, when one unanswered call turned to fifty – the song inside her head decreased in volume, the words became a slur and the record appeared to be broken. She buried her face in the pillow – _that_ pillow – more than once and screamed until her throat ached and her lungs were sore. Whispered his name over and over as hot, desperate tears poured down her face. She refused to allow her mind to tell her heart, what she started to think might be the truth.

_And nothing will come between us_

_I wanna convince myself we're perfect in_

_Every single way_

_As long as I can keep_

_The truth away from my heart_

_Oh 'cause I can't break it to my heart_

_But if I still believe you love me_

_Maybe I'll survive_

_So I tell myself you're coming home_

_Like you've done a million times_

_And if it's alright_

_I'll still be loving you_

_'cause I can't break it to my heart_

Maybe he won't come back. Maybe the two of you aren't meant to be together.

I

love

him

Maybe he doesn't love you.

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_Review? Pretty, pretty please?! :)_


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